A Note 3.30.22

While attempting to clean up my phone, I rediscovered a note that I wrote & thought it would be fun to share it with you all. It is a bit personal, reflecting the fragile idea of happiness that we are taught & my own personal view point of it.

"We're taught that the end goal is to be happy, find a constant state of happiness, live in that constant state. But nothing is constant. Nothing is permanent. The only constant we have is that everything around us, including us, is constantly changing. We're constantly evolving. That being said, maybe I can't say that nothing is constant instead that there is a fluctuation of constants. So, to spend our lives searching for this promised idea of happiness seems to equal just a long life of searching. INstead I want to find moments of happiness & maybe I don't want to find them, maybe I want to just let them happen, let them find me, accept them & life as it comes. Focus on creating joy in the little moments: watering my plants, early morning coffee, holding his hand in the park. Acceptance seems to be the actual goal, accepting life as it comes because regardless of everything, life will always come. & when it does come, it's not bias, it has no favorites, no one is special. It comes with happiness & sadness & frustration & tiredness & confusion but those are all things that make us human. Human beings. Would it not just be easier to accept life ow it comes? Just as we should accept ourselves as we come, which is easier said than done of course. But it's not impossible, nothing is impossible."

I wrote this note early one morning while on a break at work, hyped up on caffeine & a feverish idea that life was going to be easier now. I'd survived. Went through a difficult moment & came out stronger, mentally & emotionally. Therapy was going amazingly & had given me hope. Hope for a healthier head space.

(Please do not think I no longer believe what is written above, b/c I promise you that I do. Just wanted to let you all in on the birth moment of this note.)

My idea of happiness, as you might be able to tell from the quote above, use to be based on the notion that you have to make happiness. You have to create a life that in return creates happiness. While I'm not saying that isn't part of it, it's not the entirety of it. Stay with me: Yes, the life you build for yourself should bring you happiness but that isn't all that it will bring. Being able to accept that happiness, yes, will come, but also that there are unlimited other emotions that will also come in between the bouts of happiness. Sometimes those emotions are overbearing compared to the happiness that comes but it's not permanent.

Accepting that the edds & flows of life are just that, edds & flows. Things come & things go. Que sera, sera. Sine qua non.

Do you ever write something down & feel lighter afterwards? That's how I felt as I wrote this note, a thought that I had slowly been building up in my head had finally come to completion. Seeing it on paper (or rather, on my screen) was liberating in some way.

To be honest, I did not notice that I was actually working towards this conclusion. It was Gabe who pointed that out after I, very excitedly, shared this note with him after work that same day. He mentioned that, for the past few months, I had been working to this realization of happiness. How it should just happen, not be expected, be appreciated, not be demanded.

Since then, I've attempted to apply that thought process to everything that happens.

Yes.

E V E R Y T H I N G.

The good, the bad, the frustrating, the unfairness, the laughing until I cry, the rainy days, the picnic afternoons, all of it.

Accepting whatever it is as just that; whatever it is.

That does include being the bad guy in someone else's story. They need you to be the bad guy, no matter how obviously right you believe are (or truly are), no matter the screenshots you have, the video evidence, none of that matters. Their need will always overpower the truth & that is just how it is. People create an idea of you, a version of you that only exists to them, as everyone does, & sometimes those version you exist only to be the rotten apple. Somewhere they can place the blame & not take responsibility of their actions, it's a type of self preservation.

As someone who has lived in a mental state of survival, I can understand that type of self preservation, no matter how wrong it feels. What else can you expect when you corner an animal? It bites back.

Quick Side Note: as I'm writing this, there is a thundering cloud passing over my place & it's giving such a spooky vibe! I've got the strongest desire to wrap up in a blanket & watch Nightmare Before Christmas.

Anywho, the note brought me a lot of mental & emotional freedom & I hope it does for you, dear reader, too!

Notice anything different about the blog page??

Yes! It has been updated & honestly, it feels more me than anything I've created before. The colors, the photos, the whole bit.

I've designed a new logo, updated the links, added a few fun extras here & there, & moved a few things around. (I'll attach a closer look of the new logo for you guys down below)

This feels like a good place to stop, for today. There is a recipe that I'd like to share later this week & discuss my obsession with the little garden Gabe & I have started together!

Yes, we're plant parents!

Until next time,

Haunted Lore

P.S. Let me know what you think if the new page update!!