Dear Mom,

Happy Birthday mom

I'll be stopping by Apple Annie's to get a few pastries to celebrate, have any suggestions? Yes, yes 'anything chocolate' is already on the list.

I miss you. It's all I can really think about today. It feels as though its gnawing at my already raw emotions. However, I've planned today as though it would be spent with you. However, it is raining.

Poached eggs with avocado on toast & coffee, is what we would have had for breakfast. As I write this I can't remember if you liked avocado or if you've actually ever had it?

Before I realized it was going to be raining all day, I had planned to walk around downtown & stop by a little local bookstore that I know you would have loved. It's called Paper Cut & it dark & floral & cozy. I'd treat you to a book, probably a romance or thriller, knowing you. Or, James Patterson if you could find him. I'd take you to the beach after that, with a towel so we could walk in the water & sit on the sand & talk about everything & nothing at the same time. Maybe we'd start reading our books?

Knowing you, we'd probably still have to run a few errands before going home to relax.

While you relaxed, I'd run out to Apple Annies & pick up 'anything with chocolate... maybe strawberry..'

For dinner we'd go to Alcove, they have great burgers & tatter tots & drinks. I know that everyone else would be taking you out for steaks, you're probably tired of that by now. After that we'd go back home & put on a movie & crawl into better, eating pastries.

That would be the day I'd plan with you, for you, if you were still here. If I still had you. If we all still had you.

I miss you. The absence of you is sits heavily in my chest, burrowing deep, braiding itself around my ribs & squeezing my heart so that I feel every beat, slowly & painfully.

It's not fair that you're not here.

I'm sorry this took such a tone. As I read over the letters you wrote me I realize that they were always laced with a bit of sadness. Sadness that I never understood was there until I was older. I'm sorry that I didn't understand sooner. I'm sorry I didn't realize you were struggling so badly. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you when you needed me. When you needed anyone. I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could come to any of us.

& I'm sorry I'm being so emotional.

When I sat down to write this, I did not want it to sound like this. I thought it would be sort & maybe a little bittersweet but. I thought I'd talk about the day that I'd like to have with you & recall some of my favorite memories, because those are what inspired how I planned today.

Every morning you'd wake up & have a cup of coffee.

You loved being outside, you loved to read, & you loved the ocean.

I don't know if you actually liked running errands but I remember us doing it together, often. Maybe that's just a mom thing though?

One of my favorite memories is when I visited you from NC. We walked all around downtown cleveland, half sightseeing & half running errands, & we stopped for lunch. It was a fast food place, one that I don't remember exactly. I surprised you by buying out lunch that day & I remember home much you enjoyed the burger you ate. That memory, that moment, is why I'd take you to Alcove tonight.

Sweets in bed with a movie? That was, like, our thing so obviously we'd do that. & no, I wouldn't sing to you.. too loud.. since you didn't really like that.

I love you & I hope that I'm making you proud.

See ya later, My Honey