Dear Stephen,

It's been almost a week since I found out, almost a week since you've been gone, & I find it frustrating.

That isn't your fault, of course.

I can't pretend to know what you were feeling or what was going through you mind at the time. & I'm not going too. You wouldn't want that, would you? For anyone else to feel the way that you often felt. For anyone else to bare the weight of the thoughts that often clouded your mind. For anyone to feel the weight of your soul.

You were always a good person, no matter how much you fought it.

This past Saturday, I was making coffee while listening to music & Rob Zombie came on. While foaming my oatmilk (yes, I know you're rolling your eyes at that, go ahead) I was hit with the memory of us listening to it when we use to work together. I remember spending almost all day, in between orders & prep, trying to figure out what kind of music or bands we mutually enjoyed. If you remember, which you might not b/c your memory is shit, we were short staffed. You had opened & I had came in early to help out & so you didn't have to close.

Side Note: We ended up closing together anyways.

Eventually, after you called Blink-182 'whiney', I gave up & hit shuffle on my phone & left the conversation at that. Randomly, Rob Zombie came on (Dragula, specifically) came on & there it was. Our mutual music.

No, I still don't feel bad for the others who had to listen. Yes, I know you don't either.

Do you remember the first time we played DnD together?

It's okay if you don't, I'll remind you.

We were at Wolfe's house, the entire DnD group was there. Wolfe & I were attempting to help you, but Wolfe couldn't stay focused & I was still pretty new to the game at the time. You became slightly frustrated with the character chart & all the numbers. Roscoe came to the help &, if I remember correctly, he ended up filling out the sheet for you.

The session was short, we all were drinking & most of the time was just us goofing around.

You passed out on Wolfe's couch & didn't come back for the next session.

It wasn't until a few months went by that I was able to convince you to come back & try playing again. It wasn't an easy convincing. I'll admit it, I bribbed you with alcohol. But, after that time, we gamed together for almost two years.

You were one of the first people I ever DM-ed, you played a clerk mouse-folk that was obsessed with cookies & milk.

I'm frustrated b/c I wish I could have seen you one more time.

I know how lame that sounds.

The thing is, that Monday before I thought about messaging you, asking if you'd be down for a few drinks & some sushi. Tell you about how I've been trying to build a new DnD group & that I'd need you to be a "elder" player & help me with them. Our conversation would pause b/c you enjoy wasabi but have no tolerance for spicy things. Maybe you'd tell me about some more music that you've been working on, I'd nod along & pretend I know what you're talking about.

That was the base of our friendship, afterall, pretending we knew what the other was talking about & eating.

It doesn't feel like you're actually gone, which makes it worse b/c I then remember that you're gone. Like, actually gone. You're not coming back, you're not answering my text messages, you're not going to roll for initiative, you're not going to complain about me adding too much hot sauce, you're not going to drunkenly play Life with me when no one else will, you're not here to do these things. That's what's frustrating.

Again, it's not your fault.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like I should have been.

I'm sorry you didn't have more people in your life that cared.

I'm sorry that I didn't reach out on Monday, I regret not doing so.

I'm sorry that this happened, that you're gone. Actually gone.

It's not fair.

What is equally frustrating is that you're not here to see how much your adsense affects everyone. How much you're missed. How many people's lives you touched while you were here. How many people, like, actually cared about you & your grumpy, Slytherin disposition.

Anyways, here is the last photo we took together, since you hated being in front of the camera so much.

Even though you don't believe in Heaven or any sort of afterlife, I hope you find rest & inner peace. I hope you reconnect with your VA friend that you lost. I hope you have infinite Red Bulls & Whiskey & Sushi & Jalapeno Cheddar Lays chips. I hope you're happy.

Until we meet again,

Haunted Lore