Out of the Forest, a Journey

Can I paint you a picture? Imagine you're walking through the woods, it's late afternoon & there are a few strands of golden sunlight that are filtering through the canopy of the trees. There is a gentle breeze that walks w/ you, the breeze sends goosebumps dancing across your skin. It's silent. You can't help but wonder where the birds are. However, as you approach those beams, your hand outstretched, being able to get so close that you hear their humming, & then they're gone. All you did was blink. They're gone. But that's okay, b/c there is another one not too far away. But, you did it again, you blinked. That one is gone too.

This is how my life felt for the last year & a half.

I'd like to talk about something that my mom always told me, that more people should have been told at a young & impressionable age. "No one is responsible for your happiness except for you. That's why you've got to find happiness in yourself before you look for it in someone else, or else you'll never be happy."

I understand that my last few post have all been centered around Happiness & I know this might become tedious for you all to keep reading but... I'm on a journey. How cliche that is to say but it's true, or at least that's how the last couple months have felt. &, this is important to me.

Let's talk about my mother real quick, okay? Nothing serious...

She didn't like the idea that I wanted to be a writer & it did not get easier when I started looking for college based on that. However, even though she never read anything I wrote or ever voiced any praise (I don't know if that is the right word), she always expressed how proud she was that I was following my own path. As she said, at the end of the day as long as I was doing what I felt was right, something that made me happy, & obtaining a college degree, that's all she cared about. The college degree part is important to her b/c she never made it to high school.

The reason that I bring this up, her disapproval but support, is for one reason: she knew it wasn't her lift but mine. She understood that I was my own person &, disregarding the fact that she wanted me to become a Veterinarian, all she wanted for me was to find happiness.

That is something that I've noticed when talking to other people regarding their career or life choices, they always mention their parents stance on it. & there seems to be two majority paths that all parents take: trusting & supporting their child or attempting to be the voice of "reality".

In truth, none of this matters for the rest of my post but it's something that I think about often. Or maybe it does, I don't know. Just thought I'd share it w/ you guys.

But moving on...

Finding happiness is a journey, as is most things in life. It's about rediscovering aspects about yourself, unlearning habits that you determine are no longer good for you, creating strong boundaries that your stand by, falling in love w/ the little things again, remembering our inner child, & constantly reminding yourself of your own self worth that you somehow had the audacity to let yourself forget. & it's not light work. For me, my journey took me through a forest that I had created in my own head, an illusion that I had let consume my life.

The beginning of my journey was realizing that I needed to alter my life as a whole. The forest. Afterall, time is the only thing that we'll never get back so why should I waste anymore of it than I already have? Coming to this realization was scary b/c, in my eyes, there was only one thing that I could do to ensure that I would no longer stay in the rut that I had fallen into. For me, this meant that I would uproot my life, which I did.

Moving, removing negative relationships, remembering that material items only fill physical holes, etc. All of this lead to the abundance of "You look so much happier!" & a few "I never knew..." comments.

But I'm not on this journey for anyone else, I'm doing this for myself. I was the only that walked through those woods, the illusion was of my own creation & I understood that I had to be the one that destroyed it. I'm the only person that has spent everyday w/myself, I'm the person that has been there through every moment, & that is my constant reminder to continue.

Granted, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have a great support team. My family, for starters, who accepted my drastic change & showed me only love & support. A boyfriend whose kindness & understanding has encouraged me to rediscover myself & my inner child. & a group of friends who constantly remind me to laugh & are always there to listen, no matter what it happens to be about. Though, I doubt any of them know this.

There has been a lot of healing going on in these last few months, both emotionally & mentally. A decent amount that I didn't know needed to be done, some that I knew needed to be done but did not know of their depth, & unlearning a number of behavior that I had adapted. So much that needed to change that I become anxious more times than not when the sun goes down, to be alone w/ my thoughts. But that's apart of healing, is it not?

Recognizing that my coping mechanisms are not healthy & unlearning them.

Learning to listen to my intuition again, stop second guessing myself.

Trusting & not just trusting, but trusting enough to share w/ those close to me.

Truly feeling through my emotions instead of burying them away.

Realizing that I'm not alone. That has been one of the hardest ones, understanding that being hyper-independent is a sign of trauma.

Therapy is in the future. That's a step that I can no longer avoid & I shouldn't fear it any longer. Maybe 'fear' isn't the right word to use here but it's the only one that comes to mind that makes the most sense.

The illusion that I created for myself, the forest of my unhappiness, was deep. There was no clear way to navigate it, I lacked a compus & a map which I believed was my first issue. No, my first issue was that I believed everyone had a compus & a map but, in reality, no one did. No one is given a "How-To" when they're born but it's hard to see that when you can only see surface level w/ the lives around you.

Social media is the worse. Everything is surface level but it gives the illusion that it's not, like there is some deeper meaning to the posting. But, there isn't. People have the ability to control how you view their life & everything that goes along w/ that, the good & the lack of bad. It's manipulation. It's fake, we know this, I know this, but when you're seeing these people you went to school w/ or an influencer posting about how great their life is when you're having a bad mental day it doesn't feel fake. It feels as though you're missing something.

There it is, the "How-To" book that you or I didn't receive at birth.

There it is again, the fucking book doesn't exist. It's not real, everyone is just winging it, no one is entirely sure of what's going on, & that's okay. Everything is okay.

& here is, or was, my problem. I'd built this illusion around my life & fell into a social media hole where I spent more energy proving to other people that I was happy instead of being happy.

So, that would be my next step. Stop proving & just being.

Navigating w/out a compus or a map is hard, metaphorically speaking or not. But I started w/ one of the hardest things first, I uprooted myself from the suffocating stability-rut that my life had fallen into & headed into the unknown. W/ this came so many emotions & self-doubts but the fear of never feeling like myself again in my own skin kept me going.

But, here's the thing about forest; they always end & w/out a map, who knows where I'd end up. Which is both exciting & scary. & well, that's life, isn't it?

& here I am, at the edge of the forest, looking out...

Let's paint a new picture. One where the forest still brushes against your back, your goosebumps are just beginning to fade, but you can hear the birds now. You didn't know that you missed their songs. It's no longer late afternoon & you stand at the end of a chapter, the end of the forest. It's not as scary as you once thought. Before you sits the unknown but you're okay w/ that, the shadows of the forest are behind you now. It's bright, it"s open, & that doesn't change when you blink. No matter how many times you blink. There is a new breeze & w/ it comes the whisper of promise, of happiness.

& here is where I stand.