The Writer & the Block: A Crisis

Normally, I wouldn't write back-to-back like this. Not b/c I'm attempting to have a writing schedule or anything like that but b/c it's just not how I write. However, the last three weeks (or so) I've been struggling to write- not counting blogging, of course.

It's not that I'm not feeling inspired, b/c I've had a few moments where I've sat down, excited about an idea, & not been able to put it on paper (or screen?). I've brained stormed on paper & worked on some world building for the said idea, but nothing when it comes to actually putting words onto the paper. The last month, I've read two & 1/2 books, had a fun story-building moment w/ Gabe, filled 4 pages worth of brainstorming, & plotted out the third installment of my comic.

However, putting ANY of that actually on PAPER...no.

Absolutely not.

Nope.

& it is incredibly frustrating.

B/c that's all I want to do, I just want to sit down & write. I want to create. World-build. Work on character design. But, it's like, I physically can't. My brain won't let me focus enough to write.

How can I be a writer if I'm not... writing?

Usually, when I'm experiencing writer's block, I allow it to take its course b/c I need the break & am unaware. However, it has been I-don't-really-know-how-long & I'm beginning to become impatient. Even a little worried. On top of that I've got a nasty, little burn on my wrist that is burning... again? I don't believe that is normal?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to complain but after being booted off of the Cape Fear Anthropology comic (b/c I still don't know why) my self-esteem has taken a big hit & I'm feeling more like a poser than an actual writer.

To be honest, I barely felt like a writer beforehand. Which is common, I'm not saying I'm special, I'm aware how common Imposter Syndrome is. Can I technically call myself a published author? Sure. Will I? Most likely not. Why? B/c for some unknown reason the artist I was working w/ decided I was not longer good enough to work w/ & decided to continue the comic w/out me but is still using my character designs, artifact designs, & plot points.

The funny thing is is that this artist was the first person to fight against me when I refused to actually consider myself a writer. Every single time I would say "I'd like to be a writer one day", "I'm an aspiring writer", or "I hope to be a writer", she would step in & say "you already ARE a writer!". She believed in me, she introduced me to people (who became our friend group) as a writer, she refused to let me sell myself short. She helped me build my confidence & skill, she was encouraging, & I tried so hard to be all of that for her.

Every time I heard any request for an artist, I threw her name out. Any time she experienced doubt, I pointed out all my favorite things about her work or mentioned how far she has come in the short amount of time that I've known her. I tried to be there for her at every step in our friendship, she inspired me w/ her seemingly endless enthusiasm, optimistic outlook, & her limitless support for those she cared about.

But, for some unknown reason, she decided to continue on w/ the comic that we built & designed together, a product of our friendship, w/out me & w/out telling me. & it hit my writing self-esteem really hard.

How do you build something back like that? The confidence in your work? In your skill? How can I justify calling myself a writer?

I use to, when experiencing these moods, go through a pinterest board that I made. In it were pins of different quotes & posts about being a writer. How writers think, live, feel, what they go through when creating, writing, such like that. It made me feel seen, understood. It eased the frustrating & loneliness & the block but they don't anymore. In high school where I first begin writing openly, there were no other writers to bond & talk w/, no one else that really understood what this feeling felt like.

Afterall, writers aren't like artist or musicians. We don't really have anything physical or quick that an outside person can see, touch, hear. No, instead we create worlds that readers can be submerged in. Characters that are meant to be fallen in love w/ or hated. Memories for readers to relive w/out the hurt & loss & tears. Stories. Books. Moments for readers to live in & then leave on a bookshelf.

We create things that are meant to be enjoyed & then forgotten.

Or, at least that is what it feels like.

However, as I sit here & write this, I know that there are several books that I think about constantly. Since freshman year of high school the Odyssey has lived w/ me. Frankenstein, after reading it in 11th grade, has stayed w/ me. The Hunger Games, the Percy Jackson series, the Chemical Romance series, Alice in Wonderland, the Ninth House (I read this v recently tbh) all of these books have never left my memory. Have never been forgotten.

Why? What about them makes them so memorable?

Writer's Block is almost physically painful. If you're a writer then you understand. It's a restlessness & a desire to be still. Something is stirring around inside of your mind but the sight of a chair, desk, & your laptop is bitter. Everything is distracting but nothing is stimulating. It's staring at your screen w/ the less-than-desired amount of words staring back at you, are they taunting you?

No, they're just words.

Your own creations.

But it sure does feel like they are staring at you.

Is it too quiet in here? Or, should I go to a coffee shop, change of scenery? Hmm, the lack of $5 extra dollars for a iced almond milk chia is telling me no. Could put on a T.V. series or movie? That might be over-stimulating, which is starting me back at square one. Okay, how about some writing exercises then? Again, for the um-teenth time? I'll pass but thank you for the idea. What about doing some reading? Oh & see how I'll never be as good as this writer, no thanks.

I want to write.

Create a world where Medusa is understood instead of painted as the villian, a dreamy dark academia romance (no, I don't like romance), a cute short-story in a repurposed church, a fantasy world where magic is weakening & it's up to a aspiring plague-doctor-druid-priestess to save it's link to the world.

I want to create.

But why does it feel like I can't do it anymore?

Have I reached the end of my writing well?

Is the skill I thought I had dried up?

How long is this dry spell going to last?

Was I even meant to be a writer?

&, if not, what now? What else am I supposed to do w/ my life?

What is my purpose here?

Short Answer: I don't know

Until next time,

Haunted Lore